Shards of Pain
by ButterflyRogue
Summary: ONESHOT A heartbreaking announcement makes Rogue think over her life. Rogue – centric. Companion piece to “A Thief’s Heart”. Kind of a sequel…


Disclaimer: I don't own the X-men

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**A/N** – Check "A Thief's Heart" before reading this. It won't make much sense otherwise…

**Pairings:** implied past Rogue/Remy

**Summary:** A heartbreaking announcement makes Rogue think over her life. Rogue – centric. Companion piece to "A Thief's Heart". Kind of a sequel…

**Song:** "Hurt" by Christina Aguilera

**Note:** Some characteristics from my other stories included

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SHARDS OF PAIN

A telephone interrupted a common Saturday night at the X mansion. It was already past midnight, but most of the mutants were still up watching TV in the rec. room, laughing and talking between themselves. 'Who could be at this time of night?' she thought to herself as she stood to answer, her curly white stripe falling in her eyes as always. Her bare feet made a thumping noise over the carpet as she finally reached the phone and picked it up.

Her smile froze on her face as a man from the other line asked in bad English if she knew of someone named Remy LeBeau.

It faded when the man asked what country he was talking to.

The phone fell out of her hand and thumped on the carpet when the man announced he was from the Monte Carlo police and that they found the cell phone with this number next to a gun shot victim with the mentioned name on his driver's license.

His muffled voice in bad English was still audible through the speaker, but she didn't hear it anymore. She just turned around and slowly climbed the stairs towards her room.

_Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face  
You told me how proud you were but I walked away  
If only I knew what I know today_

She sat on her bed slowly, drawing her feet close to her chest and leaning her head on her hands. She thought about the last time she saw him. She was infuriated by his flirtatious behavior and she allowed her insecurity to take its toll on her making her yell and accuse him of being unfaithful. He congratulated her on her last passed exam on the University and she remained cold just because she saw some girl hitting on him. It started as one of their usual fights, but it got worse. He was soon as much furious as she was. He wasn't trying to calm her as he usually did. Neither of them wanted to give in this time. They both agreed it was over once again. She lost it when he mentioned her uncontrollable power. After going back to her room she didn't take his words about giving up on her seriously. But after he didn't show up at her door with a peace offer she finally understood. It was really over. She almost expected him to leave so she wasn't surprised when she heard a roar of his bike. But he didn't expect him to leave for good.

She waited up night after night for him to return, but he never did. She knew it was her fault, but the most horrifying realization was when she understood he was not coming back. The first tear spilled out of her eyes that night. The only tear she allowed to fall.

_I would hold you in my arms  
I would take the pain away  
Thank you for all you've done  
Forgive all your mistakes_

Even now she couldn't find the tears to spill for him. She closed her eyes slowly realizing the fact that all these months she was still half expecting him to come back. Her pride didn't allow her to call so she wanted him so bad to come back so she could ask for his forgiveness. She remembered the icy tone of his voice when he told her he was through with her. She felt so powerless without him.

_There's nothing I wouldn't do  
To hear your voice again  
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there  
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself by hurting you_

All those lonely days without his cocky grins and stupid jokes that always seemed to make her day. Her heart ached for every time she was cruel and harsh and he would withstand it with that soft smile and almost sick persistence even though she could see in his eyes he was suffering from the inside. Their relationship destroyed him and she couldn't stop thinking about herself in any other way but as the cause of his destruction.

_Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit  
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss  
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this_

The professor arranged a mass for him a few days later. She stood in the last row as Charles hovered next to his favorite spot by the lake. He always liked to charge small objects and throw them in the calm water making little waves and whirlpools. The kids in the institute loved it and he was always patient enough to entertain them for hours. A small smile ran over her face at the memory. It faded immediately. She lifted her gaze only to find random heads constantly turning to look at her. She hated how everyone were casting her sympathetic looks and tapping her on the shoulders telling her everything was going to be okay. She still couldn't force herself to cry. She was completely shattered from the inside, still some stupid remains of pride made her stand tall and continue with this charade she called life.

_Would you tell me I was wrong?  
Would you help me understand?  
Are you looking down upon me?  
Are you proud of who I am?_

Storm came to her and hugged her firmly. She just stood like a lifeless puppet. The mass ended and some people threw some flowers into the lake – a symbolic gesture of farewell to a friend. She just turned from Storm and went inside again. Nobody blamed her for anything. They all explained her rudeness as grief. She hated that. No one knew what it was like to be responsible for the death of a love of your life. Still she remained strong. She felt he would want her to stay strong. And she didn't cry.

Back in her room she sat at her desk and opened the bottom drawer. She hesitated a bit, but finally she pulled out some books and placed them in front of her. He always encouraged her to try the exam for the molecular biology PhD. She never dared. Never had enough self-esteem. Now she opened the first book and began reading. Genetic and evolution was the first chapter. Her gaze flew over numerous chemical equations and she closed it passing on to the other. In her mind she already decided to go out on that exam.

_There's nothing I wouldn't do  
To have just one more chance  
To look into your eyes and see you looking back_

She could almost see his face again, with that soft smile, throwing away jokes on her account when she had a lot of studying to do, but still always there to help her by questioning her knowledge or finding just the information she needed. She bowed her head and reached in the drawer again. Her hands brushed over an envelope and she pulled it out empting its contents on the desk.

_I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself  
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that  
I've missed you since you've been away_

Concert and cinema tickets, Christmas cards, birthday notes, she kept it all in this envelope. All of her nice memories were packed up in here. And they all included him. Even the bad times were good in a way because it still included him. It wasn't until now when she finally understood that she didn't care what was happening, she just needed him close. She just needed to see him every day, to hear his voice, to sense his presence in order to function normally. She had changed since he had left. She became quiet and introverted. She wished every day this was all a bad dream and that she would wake up any second now and that everything was going to be as it was.

_Oh, it's dangerous  
It's so out of line to try to turn back time_

Her fingers brushed over a photograph of him. His unique eyes burned into hers and his eternal grin made her heart shatter all over again. She turned the photograph and there in the back there was writing in green ink. "I'd always bet on you….Love, Gambit"

The first tear fell unnoticed.

The others came consciously.

_I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself  
By hurting you_

"Ah'm so sorry Remy." She whispered as her violent sobs echoed through the deathly silence, stabbing her trembling body like a million spades.


End file.
